Also, right now I'm having an incredible craving for chocolate. I've got this huge bag of snickers in a box in the corner. I'm not eating any right now because chocolate contains caffeine. This is pretty difficult. It is fun, though, to watch myself try and rationalize going and eating one. "It's been 3 weeks, you deserve at least one." (There's that word again. Deserrrrve.) I can almost taaaaste it. THe operative word being ALMOST, because I can't ACTUALLY taste it, because I've got this weird THING against caffeine. Why, why why? Well, I'll just assume I knew what I was doing when I decided that and stay chocolate-free. "Just onnne...no one will ever know..." Yes they will, because if I DO break down, I'm definately going to write about it here. "No one cares that you're doing this! It's not having any positive effect on you!" That may be true, but there's nothing better to do right now, and it's a sort of interesting experiment. I wonder how long before I REALLY don't want chocolate anymore. Maybe forever. ooo.

Back to the word "Deserve". How can you deserve something? Someone has to decide that you deserve it. Someone decides you are worthy. Well... if you're the one doing the deciding, than the condition of being deserving is kind of similiar to the condition of wanting something. ("But that's not REALLY deserving it.") What is REALLY deserving it? When you REALLY think that you should have it? You'd have to be following some sort of set of rules to ever know what you REALLY deserve. If you're religious, you can join one of many cults and then you know that if you kill nice people, you deserve to be tortured forever, and if you feed and clothe lepers, you deserve eternal bliss. If you're an employee, then someone else decides how much money you deserve in return for your services. More quality, you deserve more. More work hours, bleah.

So what about when people whine about deserving a better life, or deserving love? Who decides that you are worthy of these things? GOD? Well, then you'd be religious again. But if you're asking god questions and he's answering you, you may just be counseling yourself in your head. I think none of us deserve anything. The universe doesn't owe you anything, not even your life. You can grow up in a horrible environment, then overcome it to become a great person, help others, save millions of lives (or some other act you consider great), and then get murdered in an alley by a crack head. Did you deserve better? Well, that depends on who you ask.

Also, if you go around doing good because you want to be deserving of something later, that's just as selfish as killing people for money. Well, okay, maybe not. But it's certainly not as pure and angelic as it is made out to be. The big difference is you don't ASK for your reward.

It's 4 am now. I could walk down to QFC and get something to eat that isn't chocolate, then I could chew on that until I go to sleep. I didn't eat any meals today... hey... that could have something to do with it. Woops!

I visited Julie and Kris at work. After work we were all standing around outside in the rain, and Julie asked what we wanted to do. Brian and Kris started waffling, so Julie got in her truck and started it, and locked the door. She was pretty irritated, but not directly at them. She's been training a new worker, and she has a hard time watching someone do something wrong. I find it difficult to sit there and watch someone do something wrong, too, but it fits into the "let's annoy ourselves!" game that Ed and I play in annoying situations. (Like, in the heavy traffic driving up to Seattle from Portland at Christmas.) Anyway, Kris and Brian just started walking to Kris' house, since it is only 2 blocks from work and they weren't going to do anything anyway. I knocked on the window of the truck until Julie let me in and we ended up seeing a movie. She felt better afterwards, and I got to do something other than sit around someone's house for 6 hours. Not a bad day.

Also, as of yesterday this log is one year old. I've come a long way since those tech support days. Of course, right now I'm unemployed, but I just got a call today from the University of Washington. I'm supposed to go into their job placement center or something and inquire about the job. Good deal.

Oooh video games. The most recent game I've been ogling while it is in development is total annihilation. It's a real-time strategy wargame (read: "command-and-conquer-again") the difference is all the units (150+) are little tiny 3D objects. Cute! And rendered at run time. And after release, Cavedog (the publishers) will be releasing new units for the game weekly. Whee! Of course, it's the only game they've ever published, and they haven't even published it yet. We'll see.

I can't sleep. This is pretty lame. I got my first rapier-class trophy in wipeout XL. I can't even BORE myself to sleep.