On the topic of incoherence, my thoughts have been pretty fuzzy today (75 pixel feathering, at the least). I spent a lot of time walking around the University of Washington, in the hot sun, wearing lots of black, like an idiot. I was looking for "The Hub", a building which contains a U.S. Bank. I was depositing my last paycheck. I got pretty lost on the UW campus, both going in and coming out. Fortunately, they have mall-style 'You are here' signs at key locations in which lost people are likely to end up. Having fortified my balance, I went off to buy video games and extra controllers. The N64 comes with sockets for 4 controllers, and now I only have one empty one. Of course, after buying these toys, Mom called to say that her bank was getting all mad that I hadn't paid this months payment on the loan. That's odd. I thought they said I could pay off big chunks all at once and not have to pay until the point at which the chunks run out. I paid them 4 times the normal chunk last month. Oh well. I should just finish the thing. I don't want to deal with Hawaii right now.

I know what that rush of anger feels like, because I feel it every so often when someone is mouthing off about some subject that is beyond their knowledge. It starts with this feeling of indignity at the mistreatment of whatever terms the person is using, building up quickly through annoyance at the undeserved respect they hope to get and peaking in a flash of RAGE. I do all this internally without changing my facial expression (usually), even though I can sometimes feel the heat on the backs of my eyes. Brandon lets it out in that "FUCK!".

It's a good thing he does, because in that moment of rage you can do all sorts of destructive stuff if you aren't in control. Break things, break yourself, say awful things... things you may regret later. Recognizing this, we tend to just swear loudly and let it go. I think Ed does it too... you can see it in his face when he gets really angry, it gets all distorted (and sometimes changes color).

It seems like I complain about Brian's personality a lot. The guy has some fuckin' issues. He used to have this identity crisis where he didn't know who he wanted to be, and now he's obsessed with appearing "cool" and wanting everyone to like him. If I told him that he had some components of an adolescent girl's personality, he probably would not appreciate it. In fact, when you criticize him he usually responds with a personal attack. ">I'M< unreliable?! YOU'RE the one who took THREE WEEKS to start recording us, three years ago during the summer." Hmmm... I guess I complain here because complaining to his face is so unproductive. At least I get to finish my sentences here. Yet, I sense that there is something cowardly about publicly discussing your problems with someone without their knowledge. Mm. How about that. I can rationalize it by considering it retribution for the baloney he spreads about me. Good god I should not even start on that topic.

Me and my stones. It's a good thing I don't believe in a god, or I'd have some sins on my conscience.