Ever since being employed, I have been becoming more sure of where it is I am going and what I want to be. I want to be a fireman when I grow up! In that way, yes, but also in more personal ways. This week at work I wrote part of my own CGI library in C, and learned 2 new scripting languages, putting them into use immediately. The CGI I've been writing is the fastest I've made so far. This job is good. I work with lots of programmers. Ed showed the boss my web page. Ehh. Hi Vince.
Speaking of Ed, we're quite unhappy with each other right now. I, being me, know why I am unhappy with Ed. I'm not really sure why he's unhappy with me. I could make a big list of harsh little points against him and act like that is some sort of justification for my behavior, but that would accomplish nothing. My behavior is this: I told him to stop using my computer. What I am thinking: It belongs to me. There should not be any questions about this, it is the most expensive thing I've ever managed to pay for. In addition to this sort of rationalization, I have a STRONG aversion to finding people in my room, using my stuff when I come home. I don't know where it's from, exactly, but there it is. I also like having firm boundaries between what is mine and what isn't. (I am secure in my definition of what my identity consists of. Other people aren't much a part of it.)
Eds behavior is: He gets very angry over things I consider trivial. For instance, he might say that he heard someone say something. I'll say "Are you sure? That doesn't make any sense." And he'll become angry and insist that he is correct. In a case where someone gets angry over something I don't care about, I'll usually just avoid whatever it is. In this case, it's over his fallibility. I've only known a couple of other people who got very angry when their knowledgability came into question. One lives here in Seattle and is someone I'd just as soon avoid for the rest of my life. The other joined the Army after all his friends deserted him.
Two questions I want to know the answers to: 1) Why does he care if I question him? I don't consider it a hostile act to doubt someone, let alone rhetorically challenge them. I've had people hear my most sacred beliefs and pronounce them "wrong, wrong, wrong!" It matters about as much to me as someone disliking apple bread. The opinion is there, but it's not instantly my problem. 2) ..uh...Hmm. I guess there was only the one question. I thought I had two, but now the second one seems so minor. Something like "If you martyr yourself by internalizing your feelings, who is going to know (or care) until you blow up?" I know the answer to that one, of course. No one will care (or notice, probably) until you get all angry over seemingly nothing and call them an ingrate. I know how to play the martyr game, too, but I'm going to stop now in the interest of letting people know what the hell is going on.
There is another thing I've been thinking about. As I become more sure of who I am, and as I talk more, I piss people off more often. In the past, it's been my policy to avoid pissing people off as much as possible. This makes sense, as it is stupid and pointless to piss people off unnecessarily. Perhaps it just seems like I'm more inflammatory now because I'm interacting with people more. You know, I'm quite happy to sit in my room with my stuff and lock everyone else the hell outside.
That isn't going to happen, though. I'm employed, I get paid tomorrow, I'm almost not sick anymore, and I'm getting better at programming. Ooh. Programming! The thing about programming is that it involves confronting your own shortcomings over and over again. Program doesn't work? It's definately your fault. Find your error. If you are ever positive that a certain batch of code is correct beyond question, that's probably where the bug is. I think of it as an exercise in discovering your own weaknesses. Today, for example, I spent 20 minutes discovering that I had typed = instead of == in the middle of 13 thousand bytes of code. The helpful runtime error that my program produced was "Bus Error (Core dumped)". Fortunately I now know how to use gdb to pick through coredumps for clues.
The workplace is very interesting. Once I've got my schedule back together, I should be able to spend some time at home keying stuff in at, oh, 10 pm every night or so. The workplace, as I was saying before I got distracted, is interesting enough to set up a Tech-Cam in. Perhaps even one with a custom streaming video server, as that's something I may write someday soon. First day will probably just be shots out my window, of the Space Needle. I have a great view, in case there's ever a monorail accident.
I go to bed soon secure in the knowledge that May exists and June might see me in my own house.
Also, Kris is in Hawaii because his Dad ("Dad-2" to me.) has had surgery, did not do too well, and may not last a weekk. I wish I could have gone, to say goodbye and thanks at least. Kris' Dad was just like my second Dad (hence the name). No one has helped our band more than he has. I guess I've known his Dad longer than most other people in the world. Now I walk around Seattle and I keep thinking I see him. I don't know if he is still alive. I am afraid to call Hawaii because it might be too l ate. I will do it tomorrow, after work.