• Faster
• Crispier
• Tastier Pizza
  

1. PREHEAT oven to 450 F.
2. REMOVE pizza from box and plastic wrapper. For a 'crisper' texture, leave box on.
3. THROW box in the garbage, forgetting that the instructions are on the back
4. GUESS how long you're supposed to BAKE this sucker. Or, somehow psychically know when the cheese in the center is melted. TIP: to maintain a clean oven, place several layers of tin foil on the oven floor. (note: microwave ovens will emit some strange noises and lights)

Hi. Totino's pizza is famous for its quick baking times, scant utensil requirements, and late-night availability at 7-11 down the street. It bakes up soggy on top, with a delicious crisp crust that you get to scrape off the oven rack with a knife. You're gonna love the queasy feeling that makes your desire to spend money on food dwindle! After all, if you want delicious pizza, why are you shopping at 7-11?

Ahhhh, bachelor dining in. Drinking straight out of my 1-liter orange soda, flinging empty food boxes left and right. Why, I've even stopped folding my brown paper bags up! Shocking! Every child is taught the basics of bag folding as part of the rite of passage to adulthood. I shame generations of bag-folders with my insolence. Chaka-ooga ooga.