Headache w/ sound effects

I tried to be funny. But it turns out that being funny is one of those things that gets harder the more you try. So I tried to think of something insightful to say. Unfortunately, I am currently obsessed with death, so all I can think of is 'it's a real bummer, but we're all going to be dead'. Then I tried coming up with some helpful advice. As it turns out, advice is much easier to give than insight or humor. I could give advice all day without really trying. In fact, I get the feeling this sometimes happens without me noticing.

Advice can be given to anyone or anything. Advice to Applied Research and Technology of Rochester: quit using so much pink on your DSP gear. Advice to woman at the mall with double-wide stroller: get out of everyone's way and get an in-line dual stroller.

more advice!

• to area between Ballard and Fremont: "Freelard" is a ridiculous name. Pick one of the surrounding neighborhoods to be part of.
• to George Lucas: get someone else to write and direct the movies you come up with
• to serial killers: stop that
• to our president: act really liberal for the rest of your term and blow everyone's mind
• to Seattle: an orange space needle is only slightly less ugly than a pink one. How about chrome?
• to my bicycle: lose some weight, fatso
• to Ian: start taking some academic classes already. It's hard to find time for college if you're used to having lots of money coming in.
• to crushlink: stop emailing me
• to interesting people: email me
• to the weather: ha ha, very funny. Please turn the humidity back down
• to corporate america: hire everyone in sight, go jillions of dollars in the hole, disappear.
• to evil: George Bush is trying to destroy you. Are you going to let him get away with that? You saw what happens when you try and fuck with pure evil in Time Bandits
• to the SPD: arresting me is probably a waste of time and money
• to anti-abortion website keepers: Jesus Christ wouldn't do that. Don't be giving him a bad name. And as soon as you trot out that you're on a mission from God, you abandon the rational world for the spiritual one, which has no place making law.
• to Pepsico: "reminiscent of Windex" is not a good omen