OKAY WE'RE GOING TO GO AHEAD AND ASSUME THAT I CAN STILL READ AND UNDERSTAND ENGLISH, OTHERWISE I'VE GOT NOTHING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT:

In order to get a passport, you need 6 things:

1) A complete application (Form DSP-11) Check.
2) Proof of US citizenship (for example, embossed or stamped birth certificate). Check.
3) Proof of Identity. (Drivers license, City, State, or Federal ID card, Learnerss Permit not accepted) Hmmm.
4) Two passport photographs. Kinkos. Check.
5) The applicable fee. Check.
6) A social security number. Check!

So bright and early in the damn morning, I went out to the Department of Licensing to get my State ID card. The wonderful chubby lady behind the counter informed me that I was no longer allowed to have two picture ID at the same time, so I would have to forfeit my driver's permit. Fine. I'm not interested in retaining every four dollar laminated card ever issued me, my mission is to get a passport. I forked over my old ID and got a new, more red card.

Forty minutes later I'm at the place in the U-district that issues passports (The Cap. Hill Post Office doesn't, I was informed, in a rather hostile fashion.) holding my giant pile of pictures, cash, donuts, cards, and DSP-11. They worry over my card being issued today and tell me I can't use it as an ID. They ask me to empty my wallet in an attempt to find suitable mana to replace it. To the above list I add:

7) My social security card
8) My Voter Registration
9) My Visa CC
10) A bunch of blank transponder cards (my work ID)
11) My business card
12) My health insurance card
13) My SecureID card thingie
14) My Gun Club picture ID
15) My calling card
16) My Book club card

During this time, another guy comes in to get a passport. He's a pedestrian too. "Good luck," I murmur. Five minutes later, he's screaming at the lady that it isn't fair to tell him on the application that you can have a State ID and then not allow it as ID. "It says it right on the form!!!" He says. I haven't mentioned this because I realize that these ladies process this crap all day and no doubt have their own reasons for not taking state IDs. "He's got the same problem," said the public servant, indicating me. "No, his was issued today!" insisted the man, even though this would contradict his hard-line "If it's on the form it's the rules stance" (The form specifies no required age of the documentation). He goes off in a huff. The lady informs me that if I bring in someone (or two someone's) that have known me for more than five years, I can be vouched for and probably get that application through. I call Kris and Brian. She also tells me that since I need an expedited passport, I should go directly to the federal building downtown.

Waiting at the bus stop in the U-District, I note the local goth scene scoping me out. Yep folks, black. Nope, no eye makeup, move on please. Wow, trench coats and/or straight black blunt hair, I woulda never expected; you certainly express the hell out of your individuality.

I wear pink on the outside because I'm pink on the inside. -- Someone Jake knew.

I catch the bus with Brian on it. We go to the Fed. Kris is leaving work and headed towards us. At the Federal building, we have to remove all metal items from our clothes and pass bags and jackets through the X-ray. We make it to the passport department. The door guard tells me that all I need is a state ID and I should be fine. Brian looks exasperated and asks the guard to confirm that he did not, in fact, really have to be there. "Nope!" Well, he sticks around just in case. I notice the screaming guy from the U-district sitting right in front of us. Kris shows up, but he's gonna be late for an interview, so he runs off (since we figure if I DID need someone to vouch, Brian would be able to handle it.).

When my number is called, I have everything in hand. However, there is a problem. To all of the above, the official adds:

17) Old tax records
18) Old school records
19) Old school yearbooks featuring my picture.

As being required to prove that I'm really a US citizen. FINE. My mission is to get a passport, not to expect reasonable procedures. I run outside, taxi home, run up and get four yearbooks. run back out to taxi back to Fed. Go to ATM and buy cookie to get

20) Exact Change for payment (required)

Metal detector, remove items, go back upstairs, go to window. Finally, the representative of my Country seems satisfied. He takes my $95 and photocopies lots of my yearbook. (I am apparently not supposed to point myself out.) He gives me a receipt and all my docs EXCEPT birth certificate, which will be mailed to me with the passport. Passport should arrive about this time next week.

I take Brian out to lunch for the favor. Kris most likely got the job he was interviewing for. I most likely got my stupid passport.

All this because I found out I'm leaving much sooner than I had anticipated. London and Amsterdam in 2 weeks. I'll be installing some machine running some software which I'm still writing. It must be done by the tenth. The T-1 installation is supposed to occur before then.

Good thing: My administrator has decided that it would be good for me to have a Palm V, so she's getting me one. However, I'm not allowed to hype the corporation, so I'll just say that I'm at best noncomittal about that.