One thing that Valentines day is good for is reminding all the unhappy, lonely people in the world that there IS such a thing as LOVE, and that there are truly happy people out there, and most of all, that they aren't a part of that.

Dear... loser... Welcome to dumpsville... population:...You. -- Sensitive Homer

In elementary school, everyone gets valentines, often from friends of the same sex. It was never really explained exactly what a valentine was, so everyone (at least, I did) assumed it was just something good. The same thing as being popular. (I realize that referring to popularity as "being popular" has a heavily derogatory ring in these days of ironic detachment and alternative cultures.) I'm still not sure what a valentine is, but at least I don't have to worry about being one.

Fuck! --Dad, just now in the next room. I wonder what happened.

Truth is, I know even less about love than I used to think I did. When I first started going out with girls, I knew exactly what a boyfriend was, I knew what a girlfriend was. As I got older, things got more confusing. I don't know if it was the times changing, or just me, but relationships got more vague. I wasn't as sure what people were to each other anymore. For some reason, none of the old labels fit anymore. They seemed either overly saccharine (partially hydrogenated cottonseed oil!), like "sweethearts" or too serious, like "lovers".

I wasn't dating him. I was fucking him. -- Sensitive Sharon Stone

These days, I have no grip at all on what passes for romance. The new popularity (yeah) of bisexuality and 'Polyamory' have made it uncertain even who exactly is 'available' and who isn't. Well, I guess that wasn't always so obvious to begin with. But if you see a girl with another girl, there's a good chance it's her, uh, partner. (See? "Girlfriend" doesn't work anymore.) And it might not even matter. (It especially doesn't matter if you don't have a job.)

So what could make me wax unpleasant about something as far from logic as "love"? I dunno. Maybe it's the pink bunnies, or maybe it's that I have consumed truly fearsome amounts of caffeine to/yesterday (woke up at 7 pm on the 13th, am still up today).

In the last two days, I've been doing a lot of keeping to myself. Not much outgoing email, not much exploring the things that are outside my house (the "rest of the world"). I discovered that I can't really draw much, and especially not pink bunnies. I started work on incorporating TB-303 noises into my music. I found out that eating a whole can of bean dip by yourself and then test-flying a new descent-style game is a very bad idea. (It's a great game, though. It's called "Forsaken". But ha, I'm done talking about love.)

I finally went out (yester)today, and hung out with Brian and Kris. While walking up 15th St, Brian mentioned something about "elitist bullshit" under his breath. I know Brandon used to have a great deal of loathing towards people he percieved as elitist, so I picked it up. "What do you mean, when you say 'elitist'?" I said. Brian replied, "Someone who thinks they're better than you because they're better at one thing. Like you used to be like that with computers, but you've gotten better about that recently." I find that ironic, since I made a big deal out of no one being better than anyone else a while back. I tried to think of some time when I said that having computer skills made me better than anyone. All I can think of is in the tech support days when I'd come off work and complain about stupid users. I spoke up.

A: "So, do you think it's true that no one is better than anyone else?"
B: "Well...no. I guess not everyone is really equal."
A: "So what's the deciding factor? Are the better people just better at everything?"
  "Do you consider yourself better than anyone?"
B: "Sometimes I'm sort of an elitist myself. I try not to be."
A: "Well, that's just hypocrisy, which is nothing new."

At this point I was trying to figure out why Brian had this thing against elitism. It doesn't seem like something he would naturally develop; he would seem to be more the type who hates those weaker or stupider than himself. His parents weren't exactly high-class cultured folk who looked down on his filthy friends. (Brandon's Mom, in fact, did. Though she lived in a "portable".) I now think it most likely that Brian had a lot of anger towards me during the same period that Brandon was at the peak of his anti-elitist hate streak (prompted by Ed's dad) and he picked this streak up from Brandon as a conveniently Andrew-oriented thing to bitch about (Since I was a "computer-elite").

It is true that I am different now, in some of my attitudes. Maybe I am even more forgiving towards people who don't pick things up quite at the same pace I do. I don't mind teaching things to people who are honestly trying to learn, and with my reserve of patience not exhausted by spastic consumers every day, I can deal with slowness for hours (6 hours, even) at a stretch. I still like disagreeing with Brian (much as many people like to hit him), but I realize that it is discouraging to point out every mistake he makes (even if it means things won't work) so I'm curbing that.

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