Sam was the coolest chick I knew in Hawaii. Definately the last person I'd ever think would hurt herself. I still have the last email from her in my inbox. "looking forward to seeing you again soon," she said. Love, sam.

The last time I was there was to move all my junk out of my Mom's house. I met up with Sam and Nelson almost as an afterthought, hurried arrangements made on the last day at the last minute. I never thought that would be the final time I ever spoke to her. We spent the evening talking about our strange new friends, her guy Mike, my woman, school, and music. Then she gave me a last hug and walked off into the night to find her apartment nearby. The next time I'll be in hawaii will be 3 or 4 days too late.

Back in 1992 or 3, when we were both on a local Hawaiian BBS, she got a "Hi Kitten" umbrella. So after that whenever Sam showed up on the BBS it was "Hi Kitten", and then "Bye Kitten" when she leftd. Her handle was "Livonia". Sam had cool pez dispensers and odd, toys and didn't seem to take herself too seriously, always observing her own irrational behavior with an almost disinterested tone.

Sam would wear cool clothes, checkered tights and leather jackets, even in the hot Hawaii climate. It made me feel less dorky for my own clothing habits.

My ICQ contact list still lists "Livonia", like she's just offline for a while and will be answering the messages I sent her as soon as she has a spare minute, recognizing every one of my dumb allusions to DUNE in the reply. I'm having a hard time facing down that list right now. No one will ever read those messages. I won't get a weekly email from her, updating me on her latest photographic exploits, no matter how often I check the box. There are some aspects of my sense of humor that it seems like only she thought were funny too. All the cool things that Sam added to my life have stopped happening. I'm not coming to terms with not ever seeing her again so well, to put it mildly

I figured we'd be friends decades from now, with our wacky new lives and stories to share whenever we came across each other. Instead, there's this ragged end. This totally unbelievable event is the only response to every unanswered question, every postponed activity.

I don't know what could make Sam want to end. If I start playing what-if, my mind will shred itself with blame and devalidation. All I know is, I loved Sam very much and her absence hurts every part of me.