• 12:00 AM
  At the U Village, we rackin' up billage

Dunno why I have such a hard time paying bills. I don't mean getting the money together, I mean sitting down and writing a check, writing on an envelope, and putting that in the mailbox. I did it today, and it was like there was some kind of thought-deflection field around the whole process. I pick up the envelope, and my brain is suddenly convinced I should immediately drop it and do something else (lots of other things. get water/go to sleep/go pee/look at something on the computer...) If I even manage to get the envelope open, god forbid my checkbook not be RIGHT THERE, because the whole time I'm looking for it, my brain is going "give up. It's lost. You're never going too see it again. You're out of checks." Then when I finally do find it and sit down, I have to take the check writing process one letter at a time, because I can't trust my brain with an entire string of letters to write. I write... P... u... g... e.. t. S-o-u-n-d E-n-e-r-g-y. Jesus christ why does this even require effort? I could write a dumb limerick and mix up a batch of brownies at the same time. What the hell, brain? What is the problem with bills?

I'm been tired all day. Maybe my energy is tied up internally fighting some kind of sickness? Maybe I have to get used to doing things while feeling like this or else never do anything. What did Churchill say? Something about 80 percent of all work being done by people who aren't feeling very well? No wait, he said that he was a glow-worm. Thanks a lot, CHURCHILL.

I wound up not going to Killing Joke yesterday, partly because I was feeling too tired. I wound up hanging out with Helen, watching the outtakes of the William Gibson documentary (which were more interesting than the in-takes), and going to bed early.

I'm really super not proud of this inaction. I will haul myself through a day of forced productivity, dizzy or no. If I start getting really sick, I'll stop. Maybe it will become a habit and I'll actually finish some projects.

You know, one way I can get myself to do anything (pay bills, go to the dentist, job interviews, saw off my own leg) is to seriously dissociate from my body. It's kind of like being a naked left brain just hanging out there in the world, like an ice cube sitting on the floor of the bus. Nothing moves or intrudes on consciousness unless it actually touches you. You have to obey crosswalks and traffic lights in this state of mind, because that kind of mechanical behavior is all that's available to you. There's no interest in self anything. Oh. Here comes a car. Probably going to hit me. Screeee...

But I don't want to do that. Avoiding dealing with unpleasant things by dissociating is probably how I remained so vulnerable to disinclination. Now that I'm PAYING ATTENTION, everything is really a chore! I've got to get up on top of this scene, like a James Brown. I can't believe I'm still getting used to the world.

It's not always this hard to think. I wonder what's up.